The size of my house doesn’t portray my happiness, nor does the thickness of my wallet bring me joy. I sigh and placed my head against the window pane needing to feel the coolness of the glass against my heated skin – pane for pain. The sky darkens just like my heart and I reached out to her, capturing her tears as she cried – and I closed my eyes and meditated, wondering, Do you ever thing about me? Does the memories of me haunt you or do you relieve each moment with pleasure? Do you wake at night panicked and dripping with sweat? How do you live with yourself guilty or guilt free? How could you forget what you did to me? How could you! How could you be so selfish? How could you erase the past? How could you move on knowing that you broke me? How can you live with yourself!
I know I won’t be able too if I were you.
At nights I’m terrified to fall asleep because all I see is that monster behind that face and when I do, I awake panicked, drenched in sweat and screaming your name. At mornings I’m afraid to get out of bed because I don’t have the strength to face the day. And when I stand before the mirror staring at a reflection that everyone calls me, I fall to my knees and cry because all I see is the reflection of an empty, broken girl. How can I eradicate the memories? What anesthetic can be used for my pain?
I’ve searched for means and ways but found, Nothing!
But as the pane warms beneath my head and the sky lightens. As the sun sweeps in and dries away all those tears that had moments before fallen, as her warmth caresses my cheek, I encountered a “Eureka Moment”.
And realized that there is no remedy to rid the scars that I carry but throughout my twisted, crazy life, throughout the hard aches and pain I can still smile. Throughout the difficult situations that may visit me occasionally or perhaps often I can get through it. I’m more than just a broken girl, I’m a survivor, I am strong, I’m not worthless, I’m worthy. I may not be perfect but I’ll try to be the best I can be, no longer will I be defined by the weight that I carry, but though the pain remains I can ‘no’ I will get through this one step at a time.
And as I rubbed my marker stained hand against my jeans I smiled at the work I’d done. For there on the wall was my reminder to never let my situation break me but Make me.
The truth remains that they are moments in my life where I may break down and cry, but as the sun stands out brighter after a storm. I’ll be able to stand, proud and confident and face my demons because I can be whatever I want to be regardless of my circumstances. I’m a survivor.