I did it for me

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It was late, already a few minutes away from the nineteenth hour, but I’d just locked up the office. I was exhausted, hungry, My head was throbbing, the pain increasing gradually, I could barely keep my eyes open but I trudged on, suffocating beneath the bags that occupied my shoulders and as I stood there awaiting my turn to be admitted into the van, I stood still.

Staring at the vehicles that raced across the street, fascinated by its speed, the constant movement of the wheels and the sturdiness of it’s body.

It was there for the umpteenth time in my life I contemplated suicide.

I had a choice.

Fight or runaway,

In that moment I made one of the most important decisions in my life.

To bring to a closing twenty two years of existence in which sixteen was misery,

And seven pain.

Or to walk away,

And continue a life that seemed meaningless.

I took a step forward,

Then another,

And another,

I wanted to run towards the oncoming light,

I can feel death,

I hear his voice,

He longs for me,

He promises protection from the pain,

He promises peace,

I took another step,

Then stopped,

And questioned my actions,

Do I really want to die?

And at 22?

Do I want to die this way?

Suicide?

Am I willing to put my family through this?

Am I so self-fish?

Am I willing to remain the victim?

Am I willing to let them win?

Am I willing to let my depression control me?

Am I willing to just give up?

Quit?

The tip of my toes are in the road,

Just a few more feet death whispers,

Just a little more,

Come to me,

I’ll save you,

I stood there,

Staring into his face,

He stretches his hands towards me,

This is it!

It’s now or never!

Come,

Let me help you,

Let me take it all away,

I’ve been waiting so long for you,

I Love you, He says.

He dries the tears from my cheeks,

Let me make you forget.

I hesitate,

He beckons me to close my eyes,

And I do,

And the images flash before me,

And I’m burdened with guilt and despair,

He makes me remember why I need him,

And I fall to my knees shattered,

And Broken,

And I reached out to him,

Seeking peace,

But as I reached out and stood,

I had a Eureka moment,

I kissed death,

And walked away,

Because,

My desire has never been to die,

It is to be relived from the pain,

But since the inevitable provides solace,

I sought that as my only hope,

But I do not want to die,

For what is life without pain?

What is life without struggles?

What is life without stumbling blocks?

A figment of one’s imagination!

I made a choice.

I chose to walk away.

I chose to fight.

I chose to live.

And I did it for me.

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2 thoughts on “I did it for me

  1. Excellent and insightful. I liked the part “My desire has never been to die,
    It is to be relived from the pain,” i think that is so true.
    i honestly can say of my life “the joy of the Lord is my strength”. It’s not that bad stuff has never happened or that I’ve never heard that little voice in my head and looked at an oncoming car, i did once too, but I know that voice now and, cajoling as it seems, its not death but my mortal enemy and he’d sure as hell like to see me dead!
    I know he went after me because I knew the truth and that makes me dangerous. I’ve since learnt to fight and now I recognize the voice it’s gotten easier (much easier). I take all the frustrations and pain, wrap them up in a little bundle, power it up with a positive defiant verse and blast him right between the eyes with it and poof! he’s gone in a puff of smoke and I’m free to enjoy my life.
    I haven’t actual encountered him in years, my secret? I discovered he can’t stand praise (I’m always singing on the inside.)
    Thanks for the follow I’ll do likewise.

    Liked by 1 person

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